dead end.

paralysis.


_{*edit Oct 10, 2009:} this original deviation? ...was prompted by the event portrayed/explained and expressed here:

you are the reason i can't pick up the phone.
you are the reason i fear getting close to anyone.
you are why i cannot look anyone in the eye, especially you.
your phone call shot my ears like a 21-gun-salute in the middle of my bedroom.
....and yet, tonight you called again.
i still panic in cold-blooded terror when a phone rings.
someone's life is in jeopardy, someone passed away there's an emergency. those are the only possibilities i now see when there sits my flashing, vibrating, singing phone -- beckoning my answer.
instead,
the day this happened?
this is how it's effected my life and the fright in simply holding a phone in my hand.
i do not thank you for that.
and i've come to the point where i simply cannot thank you for your call tonight. a little out of the blue, eh?
message: i will not be used. i cannot fix or save you so please stop haunting my speakers, my mind, my thoughts, my relationships.
and now to my original thoughts when I posted this years ago.</blockquote>

__________

frozen
me: the other end? you: ..why?..
i'm supposed to be angry at you, less than forgiving.
instead, i'm held captive in a fear that began long before you; though can't find it in me to be upset with you even though i can't even breathe sometimes when one rings now.
shockwaves plus the ultimate tranquilizer at the same time.

...and then there's you. a different soul than the aforementioned being.
somehow your memories are slowly fading and i can't catch them or hold onto them fast enough. they're slipping.
but the one place i can still remember your voice is through the receiver of a telephone..?
it makes me love and despise the machine that much more. why does it get to hold your memory when i can't seem to find it anywhere else anymore!? that's not fair.

then there's hearing about you; my partner-in-crime.
i couldn't move. couldn't breathe. couldn't speak.
how could you do it? why??!
it was just a regular November day..a day i was supposed to be free from the drolls of the previous one that was spent in remembrance the friend above gone one just year.
i wasn't prepared to find out like that.
i wasn't prepared to ever find out...because none of us were prepared for you to leave.
why??





..
i still hear melissa's teeny seventh grade voice telling me her mom didn't make it, mackenzie's shaken eighth grade voice on my mom's cell phone telling me her dad was gone. ... .best friends calling me, and yet, i can't speak. there's a tin stillness memory -- echoing from so long ago they do, but it's the recent ones that have made it become impossible.

...something no one could ever understand.

don't call.
no one's home.







[and especially you.
you've no idea that phone call.. that evening..
i cannot escape it.
you shouldn't bury your friends.
and you shouldn't be asked to SAVE them.
there's only so much i can do;
after all of these years i see, i may've saved you on my lap once, but i cannot save you from the confines of your mind and the defeat you desperately thrive on.
i cannot be your crutch.
and please.
please....
do not make that wretched machine ring.
the chills down my spine say "don't answer".
the passion in my heart says "do it even if it kills you"
well i know failing at both.
stand up.
and if anyone has bad news?
don't tell me on the phone.
i cannot take it.

i will NEVEr answer the phone the same ever ever again.
thanks for giving up on me
thanks for giving up on life;
again, for giving up on ME.
for having no regard for the turmoil you've created.
please.
i love you,
however.
i cannot live or breathe this way.
please give me space for today.
amen.



-----------
thank you and