Picture This…

_{November 21, 2003
16 years old
7:35 AM; 5 minutes to homeroom bell.}

I just stepped out of the car rushing and scrambling to grab every book and bag frantically and make it to class on time.
As I rush into the building I see Cory; but, he’s walking against the crowd, head down and drifting back toward the parking lot.

“Cory!!” I call out.

No answer.

“Hey Cory?! Where ya goin? You’re gonna be late!!” He just keeps walking and staring at the ground like its swallowing his every footstep.

I think to myself as I flee to my locker, unaccustomed to being late, _{“Gee, I know we had an unusual “breaking up” of sorts, but we were still friends. I wonder why he didn’t even look up at me? I know he heard me. Why’d he just keep walking. …that kinda hurts.”}

I slam my locker door shut and watch the cluster of cliques in corners disperse and head to their homerooms, all equally full of some gossip on their tongues.
I race all the way down the furthest hallway, past the band room and into the Choir Room; first period. I made it on time. Phew.
I rustle about in my chair trying to get my things out of the aisle, my music arranged and all set for the day.
I finally settle in and look to my left -- the fiery red-haired girl, whom I often called my best friend had tears in her eyes. Still out of breath and high on stress all my thoughts could muster were _{“Gosh, here we go. More drama. Can’t she ever just have one day where I don’t have to coddle her and compliment her needlessly just to get her to shut up?”} A rather cruel thought I admit, but if you knew the girl you’d understand.

I glanced over at her and back, pretending not to notice; then turned to my left at my other best friend who was rather stone-faced too.

The overhead pager went off that we were to stand for the National Anthem.

Hidden in the back of the room I whispered to them both, “Guys, what’s wrong?”

They both looked at me with wide eyes and Paige finally whispered, “Oh no. You didn’t hear, did you?”

As the National Anthem began to play, the teary-eyed Alisha looked at me with the most serious faced she’s ever given me. She stammered on her words as she said, “It’s Earl.” “Kristie, he died.”

The blood rushed out of my head as a turned around to look at Paige. She nodded without a word.

“What?? Are you sure? Who said? HOW?? HOW?? What happened!!!?” I began to tremble. My knees gave out beneath me and I collapsed into my chair under me.

Paige and Alisha whispered back and forth to me all the things they’d heard from everyone else that morning. All the guesses, possibilities, the fact that no one really knew exactly what happened the night before. We knew of drinking. Of some pills. Of him not calling his friends that night. All the signs pointed to a suicide, but I refused to believe that. Not Earl. NO NO NO NO NOOOO!!!!! I could’ve stopped this!! I could’ve helped him!! I could’ve reached out! It wasn’t true!

The National Anthem finished and the room sat down to listen to the morning announcements. I didn’t hear a single one of them.

My ears immediately filled with his voice in my telephone. Flashing back to two years ago.

“Earl! Hey! I gotta take the dogs out! Come talk to Kristie for me! And be nice!!!”
“Comin’”
“Hello new friend.”
“Yeah, so Cory’s a dork; why are you with him?”
“Ha, I don’t know; he’s a good guy. Why are YOU his best friend.”
“I guess I just like losers -- I mean, have you seen that kid’s ears??”
“Hahahaha --that’s terrible, but so true ….”

That conversation went on so long while Cory was with the dogs. But my eyes slammed shut and visions of a football game invaded my thoughts.

“Nice spikes.” I said, poking a dagger of Earl’s hair.
“Yeah they’re more vicious when they’re ice cold like this.”
“Oh c’mon, we just know you’re trying to outdo Cory’s ears.”

Wicked scenes of friends joking around at the lunch tables with him about the latest Dixie Chicks song “Cause Earl had to die--Na na na na naaa naaa” He laughed and made fun of it all the time, but now those words in my ears were making me sick. I covered my mouth with my hands and grabbed onto the chair. With my eyes closed, all I could see were visions of him. His dark hair and skater jackets. That sad and lonely face. All his BMX hear and gorgeous smile. I saw his loose pants and DC sneakers. I saw a hurting boy faking it to the world -- and I knew it then. I knew it two years ago. I saw that Fox Riders hat. …my favorite brand.

At the end of the announcements Mrs. Bissell read from a printed paper a quick blurb about the loss of Earl. It didn’t say much. Just an announcement and that they’d have extra counselors on hand all day in the library if we needed to talk at any time. Not at all like they honored Ellery the year before. It was brief -- it seemed rude. I melted right then--he was only fifteen!! …a CHILD!

I couldn’t cry. I just was flooded with visions of him. Visions of what happened just last night. Visions of him and Cory afterschool with me -- goofing off freshman year. Cory. Oh my God, Cory. He didn’t know either!! That’s why he was walking away. Walking home -- just around the block. His best friend. Oh my God, Cory.

It hit me like a ton of bricks and I jolted from my chair, dropped my music to the riser floor and ushered my way through the aisle to get out. As Mrs. Bissell began leading vocal warm-ups, I rushed out the door, now dry sobbing. I ran down the hallway and couldn’t even feel my feet beneath me. I didn’t cognitively know where I was going, but I had to get out. I got to the end of the hallway and suddenly I knew exactly where my feet were carrying me -- straight out the front doors of the school. I pushed violently through the double doors and to the end of the sidewalk toward the parking lot.
“Corrryyyyyy…….” I just cried out; now on the verge of tears.

There was nothing I could do. I couldn’t leave campus. It was only 30 degrees outside. I had to go back in. But, I couldn’t. I crumbled to the sidewalk in front of the entrance and rocked back and forth finally dropping tears whispering to myself over and over… “I’m so sorry. Cory, I’m sorry. Earl, I wish I would’ve been there. I wish I would’ve told you I saw your pain. Was it an accident? You’re just a boy. You’re JUST A BOY! It’s not fair. It’s not fair. Oh, Cory. Please, when you can, come to me. Let me help you again, let me in. Please, don’t let this be true. It isn’t true. Please tell me it isn’t true. Why???? WHYYY???!!! Come back!! …..i could have saved you….“


_______________________________________

This Thursday, I will lay another rose on your memorial Earl.
I will let you go.
I’m setting you free.
Become one with the birds.
Go ahead and fly.



_{other submissions on this loss}
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credits:sxc.hu